she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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