Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
