Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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