you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
