I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
