She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
