hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
