He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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