Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
