After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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