you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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