you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
