I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
where does the pee come out of this thing
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
