Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
