Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
