On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
