there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
