So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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