I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
