I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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