We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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