Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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