I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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