I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
