last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
