walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
People in love make me want to vomit
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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