I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Randomize
