Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
