just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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