Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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