i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
