ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
