The maid of honor just puked.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
