she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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