I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
