if i can run in heels then i can drive
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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