My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
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Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
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It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have post one night stand depression
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