I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
this hospital has no fireball
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
