just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
When are your genitals available?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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