I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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