Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
