Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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