I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
