I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
