Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
