On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
