hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Every concussion has its silver lining
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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