My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
