Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
