I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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