dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
it's like heaven, but drunker
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
