I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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