I was born with a shot glass in my hand
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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