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Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
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