I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
