I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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