pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
