I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
