How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
