I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
